A Reminder...

Been another long while since I posted. This happened just these last four weeks...

I met a girl on Tinder (good fucking job, man!). We go out. She's dope. So we go out some more times, and I find out she's super dope. And we talk every day and I understand she's probably the source of dope. Plus, she likes kissing me. And then one day she says she sees no future for us. She says she was lonely and I was "SO avaialble". She rips my heart out.  But she's still dope.

I skipped a lot of details. The details aren't the point of this post. The point of this post is to remind me that it is OK to be hurt for a little while, but then I need to get back to being not hurt and make sure I don't let the hurt harden my heart.

This is a reminder to myself always be "SO available". Never waste time trying to defend my heart. Never keep someone at a distance. Never regret the decisions I make. Always dive in head-first. Always wear my heart on my sleeves. Never stop doing the things that have gotten me hurt so many times. Never be anything less than lover I am now. Love is a high-risk, high-reward game, and I'm gonna take some losses. But when I win, I'm gonna win BIG! I'm going to find someone who will be eternally grateful that I'm "SO available" and in return she will make herself "SO available" to me. At least, I hope that's how it goes.

And sometimes you meet someone so amazing that you want to stay friends even after they cut you down to the white meat. That's OK, too. Sometimes that's what you need. You're gonna be alright, Josh.

50 points for reading. Bonus 100 points if you've been hurt. 100 more if you didn't let the hurt change you. 500 points if you're one of the ones that hurt me because you're probably a terrible person, but I love you, too, so there's that.

JOSH, THE SHERM

More Delays

I started college in August of 2010. It is May 2015, and I still haven't graduated. I was anticipating graduating in August of this year, but now I'm absolutely sure that December is the earliest I can get out, and if anything goes wrong it could be delayed further than that. Things keep holding me back. Mostly things I'm doing, but things other people are doing, too. Things like being completely unreasonable about accepting late work or the weight of some assignments vs others, or miscounting credits for 3 of the 5 years I've been here, or creating a false sense of hope when I should really have none. Those things.

Last I blogged, I had resolved to do this semester in spectacular fashion, but I fell short of that by a long shot. This  semester was better than last but I'm not sure it was good enough (I'm writing this before my grades are posted). I managed to make it to the end of the classes but the in-between left much to be desired. Missing class, missing group meetings, missing assignments all mean that I'm missing the comfort that should come at the end of the semester. And with the additional disappointment of learning that several of my credits don't count toward my total but still drag down my GPA, I'm left with quite a bit of worry about what my future holds. Again.

Alas, I've got at least another semester to go. I'm praying it's the last. I'm praying I can get a job somewhere that can see through my GPA to the great employee that I can be. I'm praying that the professional world does not function like school and I can escape grades altogether.

50 points for reading. +100 if it took you less than 5 years to graduate from college. +200 if it took you longer.

JOSH, THE SHERM

When On Top, Be On Top

It's kind of funny how things go. I've been blogging for nearly a decade, but between my last post and this one, I ended up in a situation where I am required to blog, for a grade. I made a new one, because if you've read most of my blogs up to this point (I see the metrics and I know there's no one who actually has), you'll know that this one is not sufficient for that endeavor. Far too many personal experiences and four letter words.

Also, since my last post, things transpired. A lot of things, mostly to do with school. They are summed up in this video.

One thing in particular that happened, which I glossed over in the video, is that I seriously considered the possibility that I may be suffering from depression or bi-polar disorder. I noticed that a lot of my problems were directly connected to my unwillingness to get out of bed in the morning. I also noticed that even if I was proactively aware of things that needed to get done I would fail to do them as a result of paralyzing anxiety. These things were consistent with the behaviors of someone I know that is clinically depressed. Seeing as I am not a psychologist (although I had at some point intended to be), I cannot properly diagnose myself and need to see a professional to give the word one way or another. I've made that appointment.

There was a phrase one of my wrestling coaches used to say, and I thought I understood it back then, but it has come back with so much more meaning now. That phrase is "When on top, be on top." Both on and off the mat, the meaning of that phrase is to take the advantage given to you. Back then, it mean working towards a pin and keeping your opponent down on the mat. Today, it means accomplishing as much as I can when I'm feeling good so that I don't fall as far behind when I'm feeling bad.

Where that video ends is essentially where I stand today, convinced that I have to finish school, and determined to not have anymore setbacks in that process. I will not have a music career (at least not within the next 6 months) so I can safely put those aspirations to rest and focus. I still play my instruments regularly, though. That shit is fun, and there's no reason I can't be happy while I finish school.

Regular 50 points for reading. No extras this time.

JOSH, THE SHERM