Stopgap for 2016

Last time this year (the last time I posted) I'd just had my heart broken. It's been one doozy of a year since then in a lot of regards. I don't really want to fill you in on all of it. I say you, but I know I have no audience so "you" is actually "me" and me remembers most of what has gone on, and has documented all the necessities in a journal. Sometime after that post last year I realized that, despite my distinct lack of audience, it might be in my best interest to keep things semi-private. So, now I post vague statuses on social media and talk to my friends as necessary rather than running to my blog. Small steps, I guess.

What has happened? Well, for starters, I graduated.

In a lot of ways, that's a big deal. That's a whole entire Bachelor of Science in Marketing degree I have in my name. Despite all of my confusion and misgivings, I stuck it out and was victorious. I should be proud of that. Maybe one day I will be, but as of right now I have not walked through any doors that such a degree was supposed to open. Until then, graduating is just another thing I did, and the degree is just another piece of paper.

Other things that happened are less exciting or more private. I can say that I did briefly have a pretty cool girlfriend, but I broke up with her because I'm a piece of shit. I am currently in another situationship with the girl that broke my heart last year (she somehow found herself madly in love with me once I had finally "moved on" [I clearly did not actually move on] and she's certainly part of why I broke up with the other girl). I've moved back home with my parents, a move that vexed me to the core of my being. I've made my peace with the situation for now, but I'm plotting my way out. I've had jobs, I've quit jobs, I'm looking for jobs, and should start a job pretty soon. I still can't pay my student loans. I still love the absolute sweet fuck out of strumming a six string and I'm getting better at it. Life is good. And I was right. Josh is gonna be alright.

The usual 50 points for reading this, and an extra 1,000,000,000 because you're a magical being to have found this blog. I must say, though, that existence points don't really matter anymore. I'd have to have deleted a lot of people from my imagination if I had to rely on these to keep them.

JOSH, THE SHERM

A Reminder...

Been another long while since I posted. This happened just these last four weeks...

I met a girl on Tinder (good fucking job, man!). We go out. She's dope. So we go out some more times, and I find out she's super dope. And we talk every day and I understand she's probably the source of dope. Plus, she likes kissing me. And then one day she says she sees no future for us. She says she was lonely and I was "SO avaialble". She rips my heart out.  But she's still dope.

I skipped a lot of details. The details aren't the point of this post. The point of this post is to remind me that it is OK to be hurt for a little while, but then I need to get back to being not hurt and make sure I don't let the hurt harden my heart.

This is a reminder to myself always be "SO available". Never waste time trying to defend my heart. Never keep someone at a distance. Never regret the decisions I make. Always dive in head-first. Always wear my heart on my sleeves. Never stop doing the things that have gotten me hurt so many times. Never be anything less than lover I am now. Love is a high-risk, high-reward game, and I'm gonna take some losses. But when I win, I'm gonna win BIG! I'm going to find someone who will be eternally grateful that I'm "SO available" and in return she will make herself "SO available" to me. At least, I hope that's how it goes.

And sometimes you meet someone so amazing that you want to stay friends even after they cut you down to the white meat. That's OK, too. Sometimes that's what you need. You're gonna be alright, Josh.

50 points for reading. Bonus 100 points if you've been hurt. 100 more if you didn't let the hurt change you. 500 points if you're one of the ones that hurt me because you're probably a terrible person, but I love you, too, so there's that.

JOSH, THE SHERM

More Delays

I started college in August of 2010. It is May 2015, and I still haven't graduated. I was anticipating graduating in August of this year, but now I'm absolutely sure that December is the earliest I can get out, and if anything goes wrong it could be delayed further than that. Things keep holding me back. Mostly things I'm doing, but things other people are doing, too. Things like being completely unreasonable about accepting late work or the weight of some assignments vs others, or miscounting credits for 3 of the 5 years I've been here, or creating a false sense of hope when I should really have none. Those things.

Last I blogged, I had resolved to do this semester in spectacular fashion, but I fell short of that by a long shot. This  semester was better than last but I'm not sure it was good enough (I'm writing this before my grades are posted). I managed to make it to the end of the classes but the in-between left much to be desired. Missing class, missing group meetings, missing assignments all mean that I'm missing the comfort that should come at the end of the semester. And with the additional disappointment of learning that several of my credits don't count toward my total but still drag down my GPA, I'm left with quite a bit of worry about what my future holds. Again.

Alas, I've got at least another semester to go. I'm praying it's the last. I'm praying I can get a job somewhere that can see through my GPA to the great employee that I can be. I'm praying that the professional world does not function like school and I can escape grades altogether.

50 points for reading. +100 if it took you less than 5 years to graduate from college. +200 if it took you longer.

JOSH, THE SHERM