Focus and Rain in the Riverbeds

As has been established in three other blogs, in all of my time in college I have not been quite sure if it was the right decision for me. I am a semester and a half away from graduation and I still have not cleared that up.

My grades suffer from that uncertainty because the uncertainty leads me to procrastination and interrupts what plans I may have made to get things done. Where most procrastination stems from laziness, mine stems from having my focus pulled in several different directions at once. I am unable to prioritize my goals; they all have equally large risks and benefits, and each alternative would require significant, if not complete, abandonment of the others. At times, I think I am willing to sacrifice one thing, then later go back to it, unsure of my decision to let it go.

I really want to make music, and there's really no better time than now. I am young enough to tour, still experiencing the youthful and exciting parts of life that so many people identify with. I have caught on to the changes happening in the music industry and I am poised to exploit it before it becomes the norm. The music scene in my area is still budding, and I have a very good chances of getting to the forefront of that. On top of all this, I am in a position to network with people who can help me musically and in business aspects. Alas, that is where the schism lies.

I can get my degree and still have music be a part of my life to a lesser extent. To properly pursue a career in music, however, would mean turning my back on my schoolwork, almost immediately. But I've been able to accomplish what I have with music only because I'm in school. Free weekends and long winter and summer breaks and loan refunds that I may have used to purchase instruments or equipment. All of these things have been instrumental to my music "career" and I would have none of it without being in school. Having made it this far and seeing all it has allowed me to do, I really feel obligated to finish. It seems like it would be utterly ridiculous not to finish now. This close to being done, and even better, my last semester will be my least intense. It's the last leg of the race and the finish line is in sight. That should be motivation enough. Some days it is, most days it isn't.

The dilemma on whether or not to finish school causes me another dilemma, pertaining to my channels of income. I actually have a few channels to go through, the one having the most potential being the jobs that will become available to me after I receive my degree. But I also have a partnered YouTube page, a Bandcamp account, I've monetized this blog, and in a few steps could have a card reader for my PayPal account (to use for busking or merch sales if I ever have "merch"). All of these channels, these riverbeds, are dry, but with some creativity and commitment, could be rained on easily, and go from being dry channels to being revenue streams. But as I said before, that commitment thing puts me in a pickle. It takes money to make money, and I have some, but deciding what to do with it has been nearly impossible.

For now, if I can't muster the commitment to get the riverbeds rained on, I can use what focus and resources I do have to at least moisten them from time to time. At least I have the channels, which is more than most people can say. And I'll end on that little peace of satisfaction.

Usual 50 points for reading. An extra 200 if you've got your shit together. Subtract 20 if you're struggling like me, because that's not OK and you should do better.

JOSH, THE SHERM

An Update

Stats:
Plays-111
Downloads-3
Purchase-2

Shortly after setting my EP live and doing some half-assed promoting (not much more than what I mentioned in the blog before), my laptop gave out on me. It has been a very frustrating situation, and a hindrance to my entertainment habits, but not as crippling as one might expect. My smartphone has served me well in the meantime. They are marvelous inventions, and if you don't have one you really may want to invest.

As the stats above show, my EP performed about as well (or admittedly, a little better) than what I originally expected. One purchase for $5 and one purchase for $10. I know who paid, and I feel like I would be a little more grateful if that was anonymous, but I was excited to see the purchases nonetheless. I definitely need to work on promoting. The only means I've used so far are Twitter and Facebook, but word of mouth is what I need.

One thing I have missed in this time without a computer, is my ability to record, or more specifically, to multitrack. I've got a few song parts recorded on my phone, but there are no good solutions for multitracking on a Galaxy S4, so I'm stuck with ideas on separate recordings for the time being. I don't think it's such a big problem, but I do believe it has caused somewhat of a writer's block. I did manage to get a couple stanza's out last week but that's all I've done since I finished the EP two months ago. Not much progress at all.

Concerning friends and school, things are looking OK. The friend I was concerned about losing came back to me in a peculiar way, but one which does not surprise me in the least. I have paperwork to get turned in for financial aid and that is actually the reason I'm able to write this blog now. I'm in the library waiting on a few things to come through. For a second it looked like I wouldn't have everything I needed in time, but now I'm sure it will all get done, so no worries.

That's all I can muster in such a public setting. 50 points for reading. 100 if you care. 200 if you don't, because you should and I want to give you some incentive.

JOSH, THE SHERM

Well, I did it.

In regards to the last post, I was entirely overwhelmed and in a pretty dark place, but I survived to the end of the month, and I'm doing pretty OK and not very concerned about friends I may or may not have lost. And as far as failing classes go, my father surprised me and presented me with a whole new outlook on the situation. My failure has now become a positive in several ways. But enough about that.

What I really want to blog about is that my EP is finally published and out in the open. It's live over at joshuatucker.bandcamp.com and is set for pay what you want, which can be hundreds, or tens, or pocket change, or it can be free. As of writing this blog, I've done very little promotion. I've posted the link on my tumblr which automatically posts to my twitter, but I only have 5 tumblr followers, and my twitter followers rarely (if ever) click on my links, so that doesn't really count. I still haven't chosen a time to push it to Facebook, but when I do, I know it's gonna be awesome. Or not. Historically, my links are also ignored on Facebook, but I have a few people who are on the lookout for it. And maybe someone will see that I have a product and finally be interested in what I do.

Anyway, it took a lot of back and forth with myself about when I should do it. On the one hand I wanted to see what would happen if I took heed to this "ignorance on fire" ideology and let the chips fall where they may. On the other hand, I'm currently having some issues with my paypal and while I don't expect too many people (or really, anyone) to choose to pay, if they did, I'm not absolutely sure I would receive the payment, and that's a problem. What forced my hand, though, is that I know that at least two of my associates are working on musical projects and I will surely be outshone by them if I make the mistake of releasing when they do. In addition, waiting until after their novelty went away was just not an option, considering that I've been planning to release this since last year. The only viable option was to shoot first, and I have essentially done that.

Here's to hoping some record executive comes across it and decides on a whim that I've got the sound he's looking for, and I end the year with a recording contract and a few million dollars in my pocket. Or maybe at least 10 of my friends will listen and someone might pay a dollar or two, I don't know.

50 points for reading, 100 for going to my bandcamp page. 300 for streaming, 500 for downloading, 45 million if you choose to pay even a cent for my music, because I appreciate the fuck out of that level of support.

JOSH, THE SHERM

I'm Just Not Ready

Do you know what it's like to hope to see the next century, but simultaneously not want to see the end of the month? It's an awkward and dark and heavy feeling, and I know the only way to shake it is to keep going, but I'm not prepared for the changes about to happen in my life. I'm just not ready.

I have come to the end of four years in college, and it has been a doozy. For me, though, the end of four is just the end of four. But quite a few of the ones I came in with will be leaving without me. They'll be marching to Pomp and Circumstance, strutting proudly across that stage, then moving on to seize the opportunities their degrees open up for them. Here I am, looking to deliver pizzas the rest of the summer and just finding out that I failed a class and will have to graduate in 2015.

This weekend several of my friends and associates will be leaving me, and I know I can keep some of them, but others, I'm going to lose forever. I've lost people and haven't ever caught up to them, I'm aware that it happens, but having to watch it is hard. Maintaining certain relationships were chore enough when I knew these people still had a while to be with me and already feels one sided. The effort required will be increased all the more when you add distance and a disparity of means into the equation. I'm not ready.

I've struggled with the concepts of permanence and irreversibility, and even in this situation, I still do. It doesn't feel real that I've half-assed my way into adding another year to my college career, and have thus made this inevitable split unequal. Somehow at the end of the semester finals done and grades being calculated, I still let myself believe I can fix it, that I can fix everything. But nothing is being fixed.

I guess I'll keep going, but I'm honestly beginning to feel like I'm running out of stuff to look forward to. I feel like my life won't be so worth living without hopes. I'm not super efficient, but I don't waste time doing things I think aren't worth doing. But that's talking of death, and even for that I'm just not ready.

Usual points for reading. I really need to talk to someone. I'm not OK. Not by a longshot.

JOSH, THE SHERM

The End is Usually Just Another Beginning

So, that project I was working on, that was supposed to be done in January, then February, then March? Well, it's April and the project is done...recording. What I didn't think about was how I was going to distribute it. There are so many options, most of which are not profitable. But then some could be, if I'm willing to invest time and/or money into promoting. The end of production is taking it to market, and I'll be completely honest, I don't really feel like it right now.

Besides that, the project turned out almost exactly how I wanted it to, and the title is fitting. I came up with the title "Well Planned, Poorly Executed" months before I even knew which songs or how many of them it would consist of. That sounds like poor planning or even like planning to fail, but I actually did plan well. I selected the songs I wanted to record, the order I wanted the tracks to be in, and how I would go about recording the tracks. I even had a loose recording schedule at some point, but that is incidentally where the "poorly executed" aspect comes into play. I never recorded when I planned, and I didn't record some of the tracks using the method I'd planned. I stuck to the order I chose, but before I could record the final three songs, my microphone died and I had to borrow one. I thought that was going to be a huge blow to the consistency of the project, but as it turns out was only a minor setback. These are the kinds of problems I foresaw when I came up with that title. Statistically, things in my life are not likely to go according to plan.

I have to say that I am pleased with the project overall. I sent the files out to two friends and my sister. None of them have gotten back to me on what they thought of it. It doesn't matter, though. Whatever the say, I'm slinging this EP out to the masses, or at least the section of the masses whose attention I can get. That is, whenever I figure out what channels I will use to distribute it. You know, marketing'n'shit. I'm absolutely sure I will use digital, and physical media is a possibility if I'm willing to splurge. I'll get back to you on that (even though no one reads this blog).

50 points for reading. 100 points for staying on the lookout for whenever I release it. 2 million points for listening to it. Double that if you pay for it.

JOSH, THE SHERM

Creationism, The Big Bang, and Evolution in Plato's Cave

While in the shower a week or so back, I did what most men do in the shower; I did some really heavy thinking. One of the topics that came in the stream of thought was how creationism could be reconciled with the big bang theory and the theory of evolution. The solution I came up with isn't likely to be revolutionary or at all original, but I reached the conclusion independently, and I'm proud of that.

I, being a Christian, accept the idea that the entire universe was created by God in the beginning, in six days (he rested on the seventh). As such, convention would have me reject the idea of the universe being created by exploding from an infinitely dense point, and some mass landing in a perfect spot for a particular combination of chemicals to combine and start doing what we call living and eventually reproducing into different things, over the course of billions of years. To accept the big bang theory or evolution would logically negate the crux of my entire religion. If there was no creation, there was no original sin, and no need for Jesus to save us. Considering the advances in technology and the improvements to human life we have seen from people who operate on the assumption that the big bang theory and evolution are the truth, it is very difficult and seemingly stupid to reject those theories, yet I did, as most Christians do, until now. I have found a way to reconcile these ideas. Enter Plato's Cave.

Plato's Cave (aka "The Analogy of the Cave", read that before continuing) presents quite a few ideas, and I must admit that at my first exposure I latched onto a single one of them, as I do now, though, after further exploration I found that the end game of Plato's Cave was to explain the philosopher's place in society. However, the point I got initially, is that perception is reality; what is one believes to be real are the things that one experiences. The people in the cave see shadows of things, and because that is their only experience, they believe the shadows to be what is real. They have no knowledge that their "reality" is constructed by beings that are aware of a larger, more complex reality, where the shadows are but images of tangible things with mass and depth. In my view, the big bang and evolution are the shadow images which are cast by the reality of creation. Stay with me.

Both the big bang and evolution rely on the same assumption, and that is that if things work this way now, then they always will work this way, and always have worked this way. These "things" are the laws of physics for the big bang and the concept of mutating genes for evolution. My understanding of space is limited, but I assume that clues from the observable universe do ultimately suggest the universe is expanding from a single point after an explosion billions of years ago. But this assumption is made based on our understanding of physics now being applied retroactively. My understanding of genetics is also limited, but I assume that clues from the study of genetics do ultimately suggest a common ancestor. But this assumption is made based on observed mutations and some well-substantiated guesses. But let's look at it differently. What if neither of these things are true in the way scientists believe them to be? What if instead of accelerating to where they are now, the stars and galaxies were placed there? What if instead of evolving from common ancestors, animals were made as they are? What if these things were designed with the intent of the human race drawing those useful, yet inherently incorrect conclusions?

Imagine God creating. Orchestrating the placement of stars and heavenly bodies, and setting them into motion. Forming each animal on Earth, then a man to name them all. Each of these things, arranged just-so, so that with our free will, if we choose to deny our Creator, we are given something else to believe in, something else to help explain our existence. The nature we experience is much like a set of givens for a geometry problem in a math book; the dimensions set out for us to use are in many ways arbitrary to the one creating the problem, but for those who are meant to solve it, those dimensions are law.

That alternate explanation is not just good for the non-believers. The believers, too, receive the benefits as improvements to life are made. We learn new ways to subdue the land and dominate the beasts of the field and the birds of the air. Those with faith are challenged to find what they really believe. Science benefits all, because God created it to do so. He offers us cave dwellers an escape to the higher reality through his word, but even those who chose to remain in the cave are given some semblance of reality to hold onto.

The usual 50 points for reading. +100 for agreeing,  +100 for disagreeing, -175 if you didn't read about the Analogy of the Cave like I asked you to.

JOSH, THE SHERM

Economics Says I Should Quit

The laws of supply and demand. They are important concerning any supply and any demand. Applied to my music, the laws suggest I should cease to produce music. There is no demand for it even when the price is zero.

All these facts are particularly discouraging, and I will go to sleep with hurt feelings tonight. It seems that I will have to fight, tooth and nail, for every view on YouTube and every listen on SoundCloud, and if I want valuable feedback, I'll have to be prepared to fight Armageddon. I just don't understand why I have to fight so hard to get what I want, even when I tell people exactly what I want. I have even admitted that I am weak when it comes to this, that I actually seek validation when I post my art. I refuse to believe that many people would actively want to keep that away from me, yet the low view/play counts say otherwise. I just don't understand how I am failing to build a fan base. All of my friends know I play guitar, most of my friends know I post videos. They somehow have still not keyed into the fact that I need their immediate support, otherwise I suffer. I suppose this will seem a bit silly in the morning when I wake up to a few extra views that YouTube was slow to count, but it doesn't change that they did not instantaneously pounce on the opportunity to keep my ego intact.

Now that I am thoroughly convinced that this will be a commercial failure and will not develop the grass roots fan base I desire, I have to decide if I should continue in the process. How bad do I really want to produce this EP, especially when I know it won't produce the results I wanted? At times, I feel my will to complete this project decreasing, as one would expect. Then at other times I feel a growing obligation to finish it, just to say I did it. I have lately been noticing that most people drive themselves because someone said they couldn't. At no point in my life have I had anyone tell me I couldn't achieve. Except economics. Economics is telling me I should quit, I am supplying a product that has no demand. Well, I guess this is where I finally get a chance to rebel. Fuck you, Economics. I do what I want.

50 for reading. No extras. I'm mad.

JOSH, THE SHERM

Recording and "Good Enough"

As it concerns the production of my solo EP, I had my first step forward and first step back in the same day within two hours of each other. Now I'm stuck having to make creative decisions before I get anything recorded.

Or should I say, rerecorded - as it stands, I do have two tracks already recorded that I had deemed acceptable for the EP, and a third in progress. The dilemma I've run into, however, is that I can't decided where to draw the line for what is "good enough". I'm no Hendrix on guitar and my vocals leave very much to be desired. I understand the value of improving my skills in these areas, but my trademark willingness to half-ass any project is what gave me the courage to start down the path of recording this project in the first place. Hell, it even inspired the title I have in mind for it.

That title (which I will keep under wraps for the time being) is actually part of the problem. I really like it, and believe it would be the perfect title had I recorded the songs before coming up with it. As a stamp after the fact, it would have been an acceptably descriptive title. Here, before the recordings have been done, the title seems like another shitty half-ass attempt at aspirations that I'm prone to. I don't know whether I should live up to those aspirations for consistency, or exceed them for shock value.

As I listen back to my recordings, another problem arises. I begin to notice how unpolished and unprofessional they sound, and consequently, exactly how unprepared I was to engage in the recording process. I can't tell whether it's better to multi-track or do one-shot recordings. I can't seem to place the mic in the right spot to balance the guitar and vocals. I could benefit from minor tweaks to my set up, but I don't know if I should or not.

Ultimately, what will happen is I'm gonna Nike this somnabitch and just do it. I'll make decisions on solving (or not solving) problems as they arise. Hopefully the end product will be something people can enjoy and not be a piece of crap.

The usual 50 for the usual reason. +100 on the hope that I finish. +200 on the hope that I finish and it's good.

JOSH, THE SHERM