"Do You Regret It?"

She keeps asking me if I regret it, if I regret that night this past summer when we got a little more intimate than we should have, considering how little we know each other. I always tell her no, I don't regret it, and I enjoyed the experience. That's a lie, or at least part of it is. I do regret it, but not in entirety. I regret being in that situation. I regret forgetting to establish boundaries. I regret my own lack of steadfastness in morality, but I feel like she is most concerned that my regret will be focused on her, that it is being with her that I will regret. This is why I lie. It is easier to lie to her, to have her believe I fully enjoyed it than to try to explain and separate the experience from the person I had it with. In a way, those things are inseparable, and because of that, admitting to any regret will lead to her feeling inadequate. Even though I still consider her practically a stranger, I love her enough to never want her to feel like she is "less-than" because of something I say or do.

But even as I say that I have to point out that the "love" is speak of isn't the love she's looking for. Just I consider her a stranger, I love her the way you love a stranger, demonstrated through respect and general good will. But I am not in love with her, not even infatuated. I do not see my future with her, I do not want to do things for her simply because she asks, and (except for some deductions I've made) everything I know about her is only surface deep. I do seem to have an inexplicable lust for her which, strangely enough, was present before and may have even been the catalyst for the events of that summer night. But that's not love, and it's still not what she's seeking. Honestly, I don't know what she's after, but for some reason, I think it is beyond me. I feel like I a tool she is using to get an unknown something that she wants, or lower still, a cheap substitute until she can get the real thing.

All of this is why whatever time I spend with her today will be a mistake. Whatever does or doesn't happen, whatever irreversible act I commit, it will be a mistake because at some point she will realize I am not what she wants, and I already know she is ultimately not what I want. But today, we will have each other, whatever that may entail.

Usual +50 for reading. I know it reads like an excerpt from a novel, but it's reality. So +100 for those of you who do things you know will turn out to be a mistake.

Today is Nov. 16, 2013. It is important that the date is in the text, as posting dates can get wonky with edits on blogger. But you need to know when "today" actually is, in case the post fucks up.

JOSH, THE SHERM