Do you know what it's like to hope to see the next century, but simultaneously not want to see the end of the month? It's an awkward and dark and heavy feeling, and I know the only way to shake it is to keep going, but I'm not prepared for the changes about to happen in my life. I'm just not ready.
I have come to the end of four years in college, and it has been a doozy. For me, though, the end of four is just the end of four. But quite a few of the ones I came in with will be leaving without me. They'll be marching to Pomp and Circumstance, strutting proudly across that stage, then moving on to seize the opportunities their degrees open up for them. Here I am, looking to deliver pizzas the rest of the summer and just finding out that I failed a class and will have to graduate in 2015.
This weekend several of my friends and associates will be leaving me, and I know I can keep some of them, but others, I'm going to lose forever. I've lost people and haven't ever caught up to them, I'm aware that it happens, but having to watch it is hard. Maintaining certain relationships were chore enough when I knew these people still had a while to be with me and already feels one sided. The effort required will be increased all the more when you add distance and a disparity of means into the equation. I'm not ready.
I've struggled with the concepts of permanence and irreversibility, and even in this situation, I still do. It doesn't feel real that I've half-assed my way into adding another year to my college career, and have thus made this inevitable split unequal. Somehow at the end of the semester finals done and grades being calculated, I still let myself believe I can fix it, that I can fix everything. But nothing is being fixed.
I guess I'll keep going, but I'm honestly beginning to feel like I'm running out of stuff to look forward to. I feel like my life won't be so worth living without hopes. I'm not super efficient, but I don't waste time doing things I think aren't worth doing. But that's talking of death, and even for that I'm just not ready.
Usual points for reading. I really need to talk to someone. I'm not OK. Not by a longshot.
JOSH, THE SHERM
